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ksjdhfqpwoethf;osadi	[Feb. 25th, 2011\|05:23 pm]
so, im at home again because i had an interview today for a summer internship with Kohls, i did well and i have a second interview in a few weeks. i was thinking about not doing the interview because of how the past few weeks have gone, but i decided fuck it, i will regret it if i dont do it even if i dont want to on this particular day. and i actually did well at something. of course there is a drug test so i gotta smuggle some of my sisters urine into a condom and hidden somewhere so i have any hopes of getting the position at all. cuz even if i stop smoking now there is no way it will come up negative on the test, i smoke too much weed for too long haha. but whatever, ill get around it cuz i have to. but anyways, joey and i are broken up. or on a break. for a month or so. maybe, who the fuck knows. ive been trying not to think about him or what we will end up as because it will not help me get better, but ive been feeling a lot more sane at college. and of course what do i do as soon as joey and i break up, i go right to johnnys room and we hook up a bit, we dont have sex though. idk, hes texting me and such like i wanted him to last yr finally, and he is pretty nice and even though we never hung out much and mostly just had sex, he has known me since freshman year of college and im a junior now. and he kinda knows a lot about me anyways, and says that im a different person than when i first met him. which is odd, i thought he didnt know me at all. but... i guess i was wrong. and he wants me SO so so bad its ridiculous. hes been like waiting for me to be single again all year. but im not supposed to be finding a new boyfriend (even though im not at all) im supposed to be focusing on being okay with myself. and i do feel better, and my first therapy session i think may be on tuesday. the kolonopon helps a lot. and the vyvanse. and the prozac should work in a couple weeks. i just still feel like i dont know what im doing even more so, because i love joey, i have never met anyone so similar to me in the way of thinking and what we think about and what we like to do and such. but im blocking it out of my mind for this break. and im supposed to be getting OKAY WITH MYSELF. how the fuck do you do that? i mean maybe it can be done over a period of time, and maybe it can only happen when im single. i dont know. i dont want to lose joey forever though, but i feel like were never gonna get back together right now. i just dont see it working cuz we always fight, but he was/is my best friend and now its like i dont have that anymore. and that part sucks. maybe ill never do our starbucks coffee and then DD runs again with joey, and ill truely miss that and if we actually break up i will cry about that. but as for now im trying not to think about it. and im thinking about what makes me happy. what do i like to do? what do i want to do? i dont answer to anyone, and when i do, im fucking weak. but i love joey. i dont know what to do. but i guess for now and for the next couple weeks it doesnt matter cuz thats not what i need to be focusing on. me me me me me me. i feel like i think about me all the time, it just doesnt mean that im happier or whatever. i just dont know what i want and thats whats making me so fucking unhappy, and i know this. i cant make any decisions, and im just floating around in the world. although i feel better and not like out of control mood swings like i did when i was still with joey, there is now an emptiness that he filled and i feel it again. i always felt it when i was at school and he was at home, but knowing that i cant see him made it so so much worse. i dont know what major i want to switch to, and i dont know if i want to transfer to rutgers, which would be largely contingent on whether or not joey and i end up together at the end of our break. because i could just get my degree with one more yr left of school and call it a day and maybe not switch like i was thinking because it would add so much more school, and its not as if i know what id even want to switch to so it prob wouldnt be worth it. ive always fancied myself a writer (even though these posts are rough at best) and now im so sick of writing. maybe its the subject matter, idk. im just done with this entry. fack.
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lkrjhf;askjdf	[Feb. 20th, 2011\|07:38 pm]
im at the ends of my rope. i dont know what to do, i dont know how to feel, i feel like shit and so far low in the dumps that nothing can bring me back to at least equilibrium. i dont know what to do. i figured that i should type since ive done everything else, and i really dont feel like moving. i feel so fucking crushed and defeated and im done trying. i dont want to try anymore, i just am unhappy and unable to live life. i have a loving boyfriend, and right now im so fucking depressed i dont even know if i love him right now. but i need him. and maybe once i get back on track the feelings that are there and muted will come through again and we can be happy again. we had a decent day today at the mall, but as the day went on i felt worse and worse. and idk. i just feel like i dont know anything. i dont want to try anymore, thats for sure. my mom and joey say that girls would kill to be me and look like me, have my pretty face and amazing body and personality and intelligence and sense of humor and have a million friends. but i feel like that isnt me. i tried so hard for that to be me, and it worked sometimes, but theres just this fucking feeling looming over my head constantly that makes it feel like i always want to cry and theres something seriously wrong with me. im so fucking filled with anxiety, and now im taking something for that. it does help to calm me down. but im left with this empty fucking feeling of dread and dispair and i know that no matter what i do it will still be there. i keep thinking that dying is the answer. and although i dont want to commit suicide, i fucking hate everything about my life. i hate my dad, i hate not having anyone at school thats a close friend and having my roommate who used to be my best friend always at her boyfriends. and now i dont really like her much anyways. i hate how i cant communicate with girls. all my friends are guys, and i generally like that, except i cant hang out with any one of them for an extended period of time or else theyll start to like me. i know they all want to bang me (this is not me being conceited, it is the one thing i know of about myself and its that im cute and sexy and hott, but i feel like thats all i have). so i dont even have that. i dont know what major i want to be, i dont know if i want advertising, i dont know if im transferring to rutgers yet to do something different for my senior year. and if i dont do advtising, i dont know what else id do. i feel like nothing interests me enough to want to make a career out of it. or ill get bored after starting to learn about it in college. i feel like my life is a bunch of failures one after another. i feel like nothing can get better. i feel like i have such a clouded memory and i have no idea about everything and i dont know whats real or if what im thinking is real. joey can only take so much more of me before he has to quit, not because he doesnt love me, but because i am a lot to handle. i have mood swings all over the place and i never know how ill feel or react and for the past 4 days i feel like im on the brink of something. like on the tipping point of something and im just waiting for it to happen. whatever it is. i dont want to be on prozac because im terrified of gaining weight, even though im at an all time low of 102.5. i havent been trying to lose weight, i just think food tastes like cardboard nowadays unless im high and eating is such an inconvenience for me. i only do it so i dont starve to death and so the hunger pains reside. i feel like everyone has left me in my life, moving away, dying, growing apart, and then im realizing the things i didnt have as a kid, such as a daddy or a big brother who avoided hanging out with me because he thought i was weird. and no extended family or family friends. i feel like its just me and my mom and my sister struggling to find happiness from such a hard life, and everything is going against us. my mom is prob gonna have a stroke from all the stress, and im trying not to cause her any more, but i feel so unhinged that i really cant help it. tracy is struggling too, much more so than me because her back has been fractured for 2 yrs and she just found out about it now, and shes mad depressed and going through a lot of shit. however her little crush in math class asked her to prom, so shes officially going and that makes me very happy. she depends on me wayyyy too much and thinks im some great popular pretty confident funny girl that shes second best to, and its so hard to try and either show her im not and let her down, or keep trying for her. but its a lot to worry about. and were moving, and at first i was fine with this but i dont want to leave the only home ive ever known and i actually do like this house a lot. it would be the only thing thats stayed the same my whole life, and even thats changing. i only have a few more months of visiting home from college before i have to leave this place, the only place in the world i can look out the window and remember playing outside so happy with my next door neighbors without a care in the world. what i would do to go back to childhood.... i dont even know. but id love it. im such a fucking mess right now. i need all the help i can get, and even thats not enough. nothing gets rid of this feeling in my head and my closed throat and tight chest and stomach and perpetual sadness. i dont want to take prozac because i dont want to gain weight, but i need to get better. i need to stop feeling so trapped and lost and little and insignifigant and like im going crazy and scared of people and scared of myself and insecure and have no confidence and i need to be able to enjoy things again. but everything i should want to do sounds sickening and i really dont want to do it at all. i want to want to do it, and i do try lots of times, and it always leaves me feeling awful, and maybe more so because i know i shouldve been enjoying it and i dont. i have no idea what i like and what i want. literally none. zero. iven been trying for like a month to figure out what major i could possibly switch to but i have no idea. i feel so incompetent, which is ridiculous because im so smart (another thing, i actaully am really smart but ive never lived up to my potential partially because of my undiagnosed ADD, but now i feel like ive just failed myself because i didnt use my brain power for anything). i just sit at home tired with no energy and no desire to do anything, so confused as to what i could do, and with no one to turn to. joey is the obvious choice, but we fight so much and it hurts me so much and i miss him so much when im at school that it tears me apart. however, i dont want to lose him because we could be so good together if i didnt go to school and once i get better like we were this summer when i was still trying to block all these feelings away and distract myself with fun things like ive been doing my whole life. i need joey so much right now, and what if i get better and it turns out that i was just using him as a crutch and i have to break up with him? id feel insanely guilty for putting him through months and months of frustration and stress having to have a partially suicidal mood swingy girlfriend. and i dont want to turn to my mom, because im angry with her for not divorcing my dad right away and making me and my sister endure such a truamatic childhood. im angry with her for really no reason as well, but mostly because im angry with the entire world. and i cant turn to my sister because she has enough issues of her own. and thats it. thats all i have in terms of ppl to count on or have my back. i have lots of friends, but im not close enough to them or i dont feel comfortable around them or something. i cant share my emotions outloud or to others because i have a hard enough time figuring out what they are myself. i feel so dysfunctional right now, more so than i ever have in my entire life and i just feel like crying, which i may do in a minute or two because ill have no other choice. i dont know if i want to go back to school on tuesday because i feel like its too much for me to handle, i cant handle anything i cant do anything, each day is overwelhming. i feel like everything i do is overwhelming. i just want to feel better. normally when i have these kinds of funks, i always snap out of them and can have like a week of good days before i feel like this and then it takes a day or two to get bk to my good mood and the cycle always continues. except not this time. ive been in this pecarious state for like a week now and i dont feel like i can get out of it this time. i feel like there is too much going against me. i feel like im 100 years old and ive been through every hardship life has to through at a person, and i feel like saying that ive had enough and i dont want life anymore. according to joey, girls would KILL to be me and look like me and have the confidence i seem to have and the personality and intelligence, but i dont want any of it anymore so they can take it. i literally feel so low and i dont know what to do about it. i know that only i can take the step towards feeling better, it just seems like ive tried so many times over the years and im done trying. im done with everything because nothing has ever worked out for me. yes i have all the things neccessary for me to be happy or things that would make me the happiest person ever, but for some reason i really cant enjoy them. i just feel in a daze, throat clogged from trying not to cry, feeling at my wits end, so tired, so drained, so hating everything. i dont enjoy anything anymore, and i dont want to go back to school. i dont think i can. and then i think that maybe me and joeys relationship is what caused all this- the long distance and fighting and such, and i just need to break up with him and try something new. but i know the depression has always been there. and i need him right now, i need a boyfriend right now and i love him. maybe not as much right now, but i do love him. im thinking maybe in a couple weeks we should go on a break or something for a month, but im afraid of how ill feel knowing that i am utterly and completely alone at school. im scared to go back, i dont want to, but i dont want to stay home with no one to hang out with and no friends. i have a complete inability to make someone a close friend or a confidant, so i have lots and lots of casual friends and friends i hang out with a lot, but id be too afraid to say theyre one of my best friends. i literally lack any self worth. i feel like im not a real person, that im worth nothing and im just a waste of space. im just good for helping others have a good time or to be a good friend to others, i realized i never think how maybe when i hang out with people that im supposed to be having a good time too and theyre supposed to be my friend or something. i dont know what my problem is. i just feel like i have so many issues and problems and insecurities and doubts and bad memories that my whole life has been leading up to just one major mental breakdown and then ill just be submitted into the mental ward and i can live my life as a crazy person there and the thought comforts me. to know that maybe my brain will cease to exisit. i dont think therapy will help, i dont know how to talk about my problems, and i dont want to wait the fucking week until im going. ill be so scared to go and talk and i wont know how and ill be dreading it and im terrified. and ill be all alone at college with no one to hug after im done with it. just me and my crazy mind. i have severe seperation anxiety and attachment issues and i hate to be alone. i hate pretty much everything about life and it seems to just keep going on and on and on and on in one big fucking day and i hate it so much. i miss the karen in like elementary school with a big imagination and creativeness and a sense that anything is possible and dreaming so big about life and about what id do once i got older. but i feel like ive been crushed and mutilated and let down and put down and have fallen so many times that i dont think theres any getting up anymore. everything is too much, and the sheer thought of going back to school on tuesday terrifies me. i dont know what to do. i keep repeating that because its my biggest problem. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. i can normally just set aside my problems for the meanwhile and still go out and have a good time with my friends and laugh and be normal. but i feel like i cant do that anymore and im just going to break down and be institutionalized. i dont feel the same happy carefreeness i normally feel when im with joey and it scared me because if nothing else, i always had that. i could always ensure feeling safe and happy in his arms no matter what. and now ive gotten so bad that everything i used to do to put me back into a happy karen is gone and nothing is left. and i dont know what to do.
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my life makes sense now	[Jan. 18th, 2011\|03:14 am]
i have add. i dont know how its gone undetected for 20 years, but it makes sense now. i dont know why i never considered that i may actually have it. i CONSTANTLY daydream, and its only gotten worse. unless im with joey, but still. so much that i was thinking about NOTHING for about 20 minutes before i started typing this, right after i wrote the title. THATS what im talking about. how the FUCK did nobody notice this as a kid? as my mom says, i was the one kid in the swimming lesson that wasnt paying attention to the instructor and swam away to play with the tad poles by myself. and im always entertaining my own mind with my thoughts. its fucking disguisting how much i do that, instead of entertaining my mind with actual THINGS? the amount of time wasted doing ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING BUT DAYDREAMING?!?!?! im actually angry for not realizing this sooner, but better late than never. the amount of times i mean to start something but im too DISTRACTED? common symptoms: cannot connect well with other girls, feels "different" from them. this is me. i have essentially all guy friends, they intimidate me less and i feel like im more like them for some reason. and they dont talk as much and slower so its easier to fit in. plus they like to do things more i think. if left untreated it can lead to anxiety and depression. THESE ARE THE TWO SYMPTOMS IM STRUGGLING WITH. i like started crying when i read that. they find themselves daydreaming. YES I FUCKING DO. pretty much every hour of every day i just waste my time daydreaming. i kid you not. SIDENOTE: do you know how long its taken me to write this because i keep getting distracted? its sickening. ive been writing this FOREVER. AND I STILL CANT WRITE MORE THAN A SENTENCE WITHOUT GETTING DISTRACTED. and im tired of writing common symptoms but i may go bk to them later. and to be honest i did find something else to do (reading about ADD symptoms in adults and in teens) and have been flabbergasted all fucking day. i havent been this happy about something in so long. i finally know whats wrong with me. i think its just gotten too bad for me to be able to keep it under control anymore. its finally poked its ugly head out. although ive never thought ppl with ADD are bad, they think differently. and ive always connected with them because ive always thought that i think differently than everyone else. its fucking crazy. well its REALLY late so im gonna go to bed now. before i forget thats what i was doing and stay up even longer, which is what i end up doing most nights. fuck.
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it is not the end	[Jan. 3rd, 2011\|03:07 am]
"It is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end. it is the end of the beginning." I forget who says that, but i have always loved that quote ever since i discovered it in 5th grade in a book at the town library. little did i know, i would be able to apply it to my life. and in the best way possible; the hardest angriest most confused hated miserable sad LONELY alone dark lost worthless endless SCARED ashamed timid weak inferior worthless waste useless failure disappointment emotionless pain silence masked denial lying pretend fake ugly fat insecure TRAPPED uncool friendless uncertain weird hiding avoiding UNLOVED uncared for forgotten hurt time in my life is over and there is NOTHING i can imagine worse than the things ive felt for as long as i can remember. it was all i had known, for all my life, and only now when my father is finally gone FOR GOOD FOREVER we can all stop being so scared and angry and tense and stressed and miserable and on your guard and emotionless and everything is enough to kill a person. there is nothing to be afraid of anymore. and now that hes gone, i can realise how he has acted like a cancer, seeping into myself and into those near him close enough to be affected by his malformed diseased cells. my darling little sister can stop being so angry and sad and pessimistic and ANGRY ANGRY insecure hating less stressed and be HAPPIER and SMILING MORE i (and my mother) can stop worrying. and maybe she can stop cutting herself too and i hope i didnt give her the idea when she saw the cuts on my arm in burger king that one time senior year. when my sleeve fell when i raised my arm and she asked what that was. sami's cat scratched me? i think i said. hmmmmm. and my mother can stop hating her life so much. now that the one thing she loathes with every fiber of her body is finally removed like the cancer he is, she can be more relaxed. less stressed. HAPPIER. more friends, less dependent on us (already a difference). and less worried about tracy. the hardest part of her life is over too. and tracys. its such a pity it had to go on for so long, that we could have been rid of him earlier, but its probably best not to dwell on these things too long or youll become bitter. i have to first be happy that the divorce happened at all. even if it was almost too late and it was all too much for everyone to handle. and scott can start to be a brother again. instead of pulling away and running away from our house as fast as he could, he is being nicer to me and tracy than he has for as long as i can remember. hes been nicer for about a year now since hes moved out and i wasnt sure what to make of it. i wasnt sure what he was doing. seriously. why was he acting odd? am i finally not too weird and ugly and an embarrassment to him that hell talk to me in public much less in our house when were both on the computer. or ask me and tracy to do something the way he used to, when we were allowed to join in for manhunt for scotts birthdays that we played annually with our cool older brother and his friends. and then we werent allowed to anymore, and then we couldnt bother him, or annoy him, or embarrass him in public. i get it, he was a awkward teenager but it didnt help when we didnt know that and its not as if daddy has ever been there. we didnt like daddy; he was mean and scary and hairy and his breath smelled bad when he tried to kiss us and hug us goodnight (because mommy told us we had to). and he yelled a lot at everybody and he looked like a monster when he was angry. he still does. i didnt even realize how many things i have never allowed myself to think about. or feel. mostly feel. i wouldnt let myself cry for the most part; sometimes i couldnt hold it in and i ended up bawling into my pillow for hours at nighttimes. when i recall what i would think about as a child, i realize how morbid my thoughts were, and now i can see that up until recently my views on life were tainted and skewed. I WOULDNT LET MYSELF FEEL. I WOULDNT LET MYSELF FEEL. I WOULDNT LET MYSELF FEEL. i wouldnt let anyone in, i couldnt get hurt. i couldnt get disappointed and let down, and it was intimidating to start anything with the insecurities and self esteem and self worth issues and body and appearance issues and pretty much everything. i thought i should hide these thoughts and feelings and shove them to the back of my mind where they would dissinegrate on their own, but alas they did not. again and again they swirled into conciousness trying to get a rise in my emotion, but no. back to the dark place in my mind that even i was scared to go; i didnt know what could be there, the anger and hatred and UNCONTROLLABLE RAGE that could be unleashed if something triggered this black endless chamber in my mind. cutting subdued it. definitely. very satisfying to see those tender bright red lines contrasting sharply to the paleness of my wrists. i ACTUALLY controlled something-- I DID THAT. i was angry, and i felt that anger release itself in small droplets in liquid red form. and then the anger would retreat back into its home in the back of my brain for the timebeing. but how many panic attacks and breakdowns and fits and feelings of insanity and hysteria and crying and utter aloneness did i have to go through before i cracked? i certainly didnt want to find out, and luckily i never will. how fucking cliche to cut myself right? i mean, it didnt work on its own, it only made me less angry. of course there were other solutions to my problems and insecurities and flaws that i was only just discovering. bulimia, barely eating, alcohol, hooking up with boys (made me feel pretty even if i knew that neither of us had any intention of dating and/or seeing each other again)stealing for the hell of it, trying to do as many dangerous and illegal things as possible, always getting in trouble, getting arrested twice, DUI,imitation of others, and im sure a bunch of other things that i couldnt even remember. and these things do work for a while. i got skinny, i got more friends, boys did like me more, life was more interesting, but i was still fucking ANGRY. and scared and hurt and unloved and ALONE depressed and borderline suicidal to be perfectly honest. i saw nothing for my future and saw my life as completely insignifigant and myself as a waste of space. but i see now that it is all over. he is gone. my emotions have been freeing themselves slowly as he is gone for longer. i feel like there IS a bottom to this dark angry hole, im discovering things about myself and about what damage has been done, who i really am, how i was wrong about some things, how i need to fix the damage from other things. the bottom of my brain, the part i was always scared to enter, is becoming smaller and smaller. i think i see the bottom- almost. i have sorted out ENDLESS issues about myself and have been since college, but it has only been since that person that refers to himself as my father has left. i need to come to terms with the fact that i cant pretend everything isnt as bad as i think it is, until the emotions boil out at me at random times when i let myself feel. i need to sort through this shit and it certainly hasnt been easy. its actually what ive been avoiding my entire life. and now im just obsessed with it. it occupies my thoughts for so much of each day, and if i finally figure it out i feel like i can walk around feeling like im a normal person, no deep dark secrets and chasms of their brains that others dont have. joey and i took some e and maybe he was right and it was laced with some sort of hallucigen, i hope so so that the one he has at his house will work the same as this one. because the feeling of clairvoyance i have in my brain is ridiculously strong, it is like a continuous epiphany about myself right now as i explore my memory and brain waves right now. up until recently, i have been TOO SCARED to see who i was as a person. ive never talked about MYSELF to anyone really-- and why? i had no idea who the fuck i was, i knew what i wasnt, what i didnt want, but i didnt have any opinions. and i realize i need to stop being afraid of fucking EVERYTHING and avoiding everything, and that i didnt have to be SCARED to be MYSELF and BE SOMEBODY. i dont have to be scared to be myself, i can discover myself and what i like and what i want and people will still love me and like me just as much when i have my own opinions. my thoughts are not stupid and worthless and like everyone elses. maybe i am special after all and i matter to others. my first step was losing weight- to eliminate one of the things i hated most about myself. and i did that, and then i still wasnt happy. and trial and error and thinking and breakdowns and panic attacks and then THE DIVORCE. im free im free im freee imfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! were free. im human and free and alive and life maybe isnt a misery and an endless path of gloom. i have never felt like i am turning over a new leaf like this before. there are other PEOPLE in this world. i dont have MYSELF figured out, and i certainly have not figured out my father- he will take a while- but a HUGE portion of my anger has finally been released and is continueing to be released. i cant tell if i hate my father or not, if im guilty for hating him, for being a bad person if i hate him, if my hatred is justified, if maybe i have a small amount of positive feelings for him because i can tell he tries sometimes but hes just so stupid and just a terrible person that i feel bad for hating him, or if i try to see something positive in him, or if im just MAKING IT ALL UP. i have convinced myself my entire life that i was just... making it up. exaggerating everything and how awful my father was; he never actually BEAT us. i mean he did slap me across the face once when i was like 13 when we were fighting in the kitchen one night when i was probably supposed to be doing homework. He threatened to do it and i argued back because i was just as angry, so i purposely said some triggering things to him that taunted him until i pretty much made him. i only did it because i wanted to see if he would actually do it. he did. the actual hit wasnt hard really- the sting went away pretty quickly and my sister had definitely hit me harder when we were arguing (haha), i was almost disappointed. oh so back to the topic, he actually never hit us besides that small exception. but we were certainly scared he would all the time. ALL THE TIME. he did get better over the years, and now i pretend sometimes that it wasnt so bad and try not to think about that, BUT I CANT DO THAT ANYMORE. i simply cant. i was going to rip my fucking head off. im not supposed to be concentrating on these sorts of things, im not supposed to have to do this sort of thing. im SUPPOSED to be figuring out what i want in my future and what i like and who i am and who matters to me and what is important to me, and before i can do this i need to heal up my damage. ive come a long way, and i dont know what i wouldve done if joey wasnt there helping me. i mean sure it was hard when he was in new jersey when i was at school having meltdowns and saying i was okay as per usual until i could barely take it. and then i slowly began to figure things out. and joey helped me and made me feel like i was worth something and maybe special and important and that i dont have to be alone and live in my own world. and that emotions can maybe be a good thing sometimes and you have to deal with them and you cant keep blocking them away. and maybe you cry sometimes but you can feel love for others a lot easier. maybe im not explaining things clearly, or im probably missing huge pieces considering i smoked before writing this entry so it doesnt make complete sense. i know i didnt type all the things that made me angry, my problems, my insecurities, my sadness, because perhaps they werent on my mind at the time, or knew how to even explain some things enough to give it justice. life is not a living hell the way i have been seeing it, something to get through each day and hopefully something makes you smile. maybe its a struggle and its not always perfect, but for the first time i see a white bright light at the end of this miserable endless tunnel ive been forced along, and its the most beautiful fucking thing i have ever seen.
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fuck me	[Oct. 9th, 2010\|02:54 pm]
so today is my three month anniversary with joey. things have been going soo soo wonderfully. our sex keeps getting better, and my feelings for him keep getting stronger. i love having him in my life and i love him being my boyfriend.i wouldnt want anyone else. however......... heres a mindfuck. johnny wouldnt stop texting me. he said we needed to meet in sobriety. we didnt, but we met up and he basically told me he was an idiot all of last year, that he actually really had liked me and still does, even if he didnt really do a good job showing it. i just found out that as soon as my facebook status changed to in a relationship over the summer he was texting his friends to get the scoop on it. that he was inquiring where i was last night. WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK. why didnt he do this last year! now hes all over my shit, and has been making an effort a million times more than last year. i dont believe it. however it makes me feel better that i wasnt completely crazy last year when i kind of thought he liked me even though he didnt really act like it. i have zero intentions of every cheating on joey, and would NEVER, but when i think a bout johnny, i dont even want to hook up with him. not really anymore. i just am filled of what couldve been, if he weren't 'douching around' as he said. after a whole year of pretending not to like him while semi obsessing over him, and making me an effort to keep hooking up, etc its a shock to my system that he's more obsessive than i am. how crazy is that? he was too busy acting suave and cool to realize that i wouldve pretty much let him do whatever he wanted to me sexually and wouldve wanted to hang out even sometimes. its so satisfying to know that he realized, "fuck i let this girl get away when i had a chance with her for an entire year. all i had to do was SOMETHING and i really didnt. maybe i can win her over again with persistance." and also i guess it helps for me that everyone says i look amazing and i have gotten even prettier and am tiny etc. that im just really hot and one of the few girls that can chill and blaze. so johnny can go fuck himself.
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so really.	[Sep. 14th, 2010\|09:26 pm]
well its been forever since ive posted, and its mostly because life has been going really well. i have a boyfriend joey (its been over 2 months officially) and i love him. its sad to say that considering the short 4 months ive known him, but whatever. ive never met anyone more perfect for me. hes hot (great body) and easy to get along with. hed do anything for me, we have a lot of fun together, and we work so well together. we love all of the same things, he loves to smoke weed (obviously. i dont like anyone that doesnt) and he loves art and music and lyrics and genuinely wants to be the best boyfriend to me ever. i care about him alot, and now that im bk at college i miss him a lot when i dont see him during the week. i have been anxiously awaiting going home to see him and just be with him again. i miss him touching me and my body and his hugs and the way he loves to hold me and pretty much everything. however, im at school. he is not. i love boys to put it lightly. im persuaded easily and have been VERY good at not cheating on him and i doubt i ever would. although i miss him i can keep it in my pants until i see him next but thats not the problem. nick is a small problem, but only in the fact taht i want to hang out with him a lot and i simply cant treat him like a backup boyfriend to joey when hes at home. nick and i used to kind of be a thing for like a month, but we were originally friends. i ended it because i only wanted to be friends again, which we are, but i know he still is pretty much in love with me. i cant take advantage of that fact, but i like the way that he still looks at me like im the most beautiful thing ever. and i catch him staring wistfully at me, and he'll touch my leg or arm or back when he really doesnt have to, he just wants to brush it or something. and it makes me feel really bad, but i do love hanging out with him. im going to have trouble knowing when its okay to hang out with him and when i should let it be, but i do want to be good friends again. i just dont know how to do that without being a bitch. well if that doesnt make me sound self centered enough, my real concern is johnny. the boy i obsessed over for a year and have been fucking for longer than that. i am in love with my boyfriend. but johnny and i never officially ended hooking up, it just was summer. when i got a boyfriend. johnny knows this, but johnny has been insessently texting me. when i say a lot, i mean a few times a week. i dont want to be rude and ignore him, but i dont want to be too friendly and give off the impression that i would cheat on my boyfriend because i know that if i ever did, it would 99% be with him. i love the fact that hes trying so hard now to get in my pants and to hang out with me, but it actually kills me inside a little too. why? because why couldnt he have done this LAST year when i wanted him to? now hes just some little temptation that will always be accessable when my boyfriend most of the time isnt because hes 2 hrs away. fuck. do i try and be friends just so i can taunt him about how he cant have me anymore silently? do i ignore him? no, because then it will be even more awkward when i see him now. he invited me to a party this weekend. and then a couple days later to burn and watch a movie. i cant go. i really cant. because i know hell just try and hook up with me. im typing this to really set in stone that I CANNOT. im also pissed at him for not bothering this hard until now when he knows he cant have me. and i really thought he wouldnt even bother texting me at all since he knows he cant hook up with me anymore. is he going to keep trying? its fucking with my head. however, it concerns me that im secretly thrilled when he texts me and i dont want it to stop. now maybe it sounds like im not over him or whatever, and i see that perspective. but the truth is, johnny and i dont know each other that well and theres no way that i could ever throw joey away just to give in to the stupid secret obsession i had with my fuck buddy. i think it may have just been that i knew he wasnt interested in me REALLY last year that made me want him so much more. and now the tables have turned and i secretly want to have him go through what i did. but if joey and i ever break up.... i know who ill text. im a terrible person. absolutely terrible. i dont ever really see a reason for why joey and i break up, but i dont see us staying together for years. because even though were perfect for each other and im really happy when im with him and happy were together and that he feels the same way, i cant be tied down for that long. the thought of it freaks me out, but the thought of not having joey loving me also freaks me out now too. im so confused about how fucked up this is. and how im such a bad person with the johnny business. i dont flirt, but i answer. i havent worked into a conversation "i have a boyfriend" because i want him to keep texting me and inviting me places and trying to talk to me while i give short answers to him. i want him as an option if i ever need it or something. so really idk what to do and i wasted any potential time i had to go to the gym, but at least i got to type all this down. my little boy issues i have right now. one last boy issue, ryan has been wanting me to hook up with conroy. conroy is my FRIEND and i have a boyfriend but hes unconvinced. my theory? conroy thinks im hot and now that hes out of a 2 yr relationship he wants some pussy. so stop ryan. i dont want to ruin another friendship with a boy. oh and my mom is telling my dad she wants a divorce this sunday. wooooooooooooooo. ill be bk at school by then (im going home for the long weekend). but i hope shell be safe and it goes well and that i can work out my issues pertaining to the subject of my hated father. so maybe now that i typed this johnny shit out i can see that im mostly just bitter towards him and im a little scared of commitment still. i need something as a security blanket in case joey and i crash and burn because i dont want to be alone. i need someone to have, even if its just to hook up with me. joey is a million times better and i want him and miss him and i love being his girlfriend. i guess im just a little fucked and insecure. sue me. but whatever i need to shower and drink and smoke and maybe answer johnnys text politely and sadly not hang out with him one of the few times hes actually asked me to. fuck him. and text nick to see what hes doing tonight (obvi just to hang out as friends haha).
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lsdkgfl	[Jul. 22nd, 2010\|02:43 am]
so basically, im at my lowest ever at 106. and im still not that thin! i cant believe that im STILL not where i pictured myself to be at 106. i thought id have less fat on me, but its not as if a lot of that weight isnt muscle. i run ALL the time and feel like im in good shape, i just would like to be thinner still. maybe 100 and then i can stop worrying. i mean, i havent really been trying at all to eat small amounts of food. i think it comes a little more naturally now, and i dont realize that i probably eat less than most ppl. although i only go to the gym a few times a week now, its not as if i stopped going entirely. i plan on going tomorrow, although that will be a challenge to wake up and make the effort. although i should, i havent gone since monday and it will be thursday. and wtf my mother said via text that i should be home early and that my behavior hasnt been very good recently. well according to her, its NEVER been good so really ive been her huge disappointment for as long as i can remember. okay, perhaps i got a DUI and that is pretty damn bad, but thats it. thats all ive really ever gotten in trouble for. i dont do hardcore drugs, i dont get drunk every night, i dont talk back to her, i dont spend money irresponsibly, i dont ask her for stuff, i come home at night, i have a summer job, i got a 3.7 gpa last semester, i have a general track for what i want to do with my life, im pretty responsible, i do what she asks me to do, we spend time together sometimes and have a good time. im not the fucking devil child. its so weird to go to the therapist (for my DUI im legally required to go) and he says im an intelligent responsible girl who will go far in life and be happy and that im a good kid because at home its so far from true. he knows that my DUI was a stupid mistake, and sees nothing wrong with going to a party every once and a while because i have my life together and im the happiest ive ever been. why? im thinking its because i spend as little time at home as possible, because i have my life figured out, because im happy with myself in general, because of joey. so naturally, ill stay away from my mother who i can never satisfy. i could try harder, i know. but i dont think its worth it because she wants literally a perfect child, and im not perfect. so i like to hang out with ppl who at least think im a good person and makes them happy and makes me happy. what a no-brainer that is.
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counseling	[Jun. 23rd, 2010\|01:16 pm]
so i have to go to counseling for 16 weeks or something because of my DUI last year to discuss drugs and alcohol and such, although my counselor knows i really dont have a problem with either of them. i mean, ive gotten drunk once this entire summer, and havent even drank a single beer this week even though i was at a couple parties. i do smoke lots of weed though, and i CANNOT see how it is a 'drug'. its a fucking plant. it grows naturally out of the ground and relaxes you. it helps ppl with cancer, and all statistics against weed have been proven FALSE. it will be legal in a couple years anyways, so i really just have to be careful about it where/when i smoke. but my counselling thing makes me think about issues in my life that i dont discuss with him, because i dont want to get into it really. like ive never REALLY had a boyfriend. im almost 20. its not because of lack of opportunity (although some of the time it is). i cant figure out if its because i havent met the right person, or if ive been purposely making myself unavailable to boys to allow myself to really open up around guys. the only ones i really fall for are the ones on vacations or i know would never work because of distance or something. such as joey. i wasnt expecting to actually like him as much as i do, and now that i do like him undeniably, im freaking out. do i want to date him? do i want to continue it after the summer is over? am i still holding onto the possibility that johnny may want me as more than a fuck after we get back? (or am i just pretending that im waiting for him to change his mind because i know he never will so that i have an excuse to stop seeing joey?) am i scared of commitment? im freaking out. i really dont know what to do, and i have 2 more months of summer. and then if im with joey when college starts again, what then? ill miss him a lot, and then ill be mad at myself for having to tell johnny that im dating someone IF he wants to hook up again, and then if i DONT date joey ill be mad at myself for not taking the chance with love and all that jazz. although long distance will be tough. its hard for me to open up to ppl, or to consider myself close friends with someone. like id have to know them for a while or do something meaningful with them or SOMETHING. this entry isnt making any sense at all, and im mostly just typing to get my thoughts out, as per usual. my 4 day mini diet thing has been successful the first two days of it, and i suppose ill weigh myself thursday? i was going to this morning because i do every few days, but i think ill hold off as incentive to keep up the good work. also, id like to discuss the fact that im now the decision maker in EVERY group of ppl im with. everyone is like, "im just following karen" or "karen is making the decision" or "karen, what are we doing tonight?" WHAT THE FUCK. ive NEVER been any sort of leader in my life, why is everyone making me the leader in the pack? i dont want to be, i liked being the wingman because it was a lot less stressful and a lot less thinking and all eyes arent on me. i have too many ppl and friends than i can even deal with it seems like, and everyone wants to hang out. i dont understand. what changed? why am i little miss popular all of a sudden? yes im more confident, and yes my goal is having fun and i do tend to be nice to literally everyone, but i dont get it. like, i get really pretty all of a sudden and it means im now the main girl in charge? true, i do usually come through with plans and ideas and parties and such, but really? i dont want the responsibility of planning everything. priscilla was the one in charge, the one guys sought after, and we were her bitches. it was good, we travelled in a pack and we were the girls at the party that the guys paid attention to. even if i was second best, it was still not a bad spot to be in. and now priscilla is asking me what to do? WHAT? im not comfortable with this change in 'leadership'. maybe i do have my shit together more than ever, and maybe ppl can tell that im confident in myself, but i didnt think i would be able to do whatever. i think everyone noticed that i do what i want, even if i dont have a girl to go with me to a party to 'go to the bathroom with' and such. and you know what? fuck it. ill do it right. ill figure it out this summer how to be the best me i can possibly be. although it would be hard, because if i start dating joey, im not gonna get the boys and party invites that i normally do if i have a boyfriend. thats just the way it works. but whatever, im gonna give it my best shot now that i think i can actually do it. i cant JUST hang out with joey and his friends, and then mike and keith like i do all the time. i havent seen some ppl all summer and i feel like such a bad friend. like caroline and jared for instance are top priority. ppl i have to hang out with: caroline jared kenny and company priscilla (shes one of my best friends, why dont i see her moreee?!) katlyn sam slettland liz, sarah, christine nick v kevin m ken (i suppose) *pete (i really dont want to but i guess i should) and then theres ppl like brad and meg and melissa that i really dont care about hanging out with, but i guess i will if they're at the same place. like im booked until sunday, and jared wants to go to six flags, and i guess if lots of ppl that i have to catch up with are going, ill go too. but if its like rich and aimee and that crowd, no way in hell am i wasting my money to go. fuck. i gotta get this all in somehow. and joey wants to meet my friends, but its hard because of mike, but ill figure something out. like maybe ill just introduce him to priscilla and her boyfriend or somethign this friday, or katlyn and liz because he'll def like them. he likes ppl that are fun. obviously. well anyways, i really gotta get to the gym. that list was pretty helpful i think.
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jflakgna;sd	[Jun. 22nd, 2010\|01:27 pm]
sooooooo im kinda upset today and i dont know why. i weighed myself for the first time in a few days and im 109 lbs, which is my new lowest ever. i got caught smoking weed yesterday by my dad and im not allowed out until liz gets here on friday, so i figure i may as well be really good until then and maybe drop a pound or something to make this time productive. im supposed to be going to the gym now, but i guess ill put it off for another 15 min while i write this. idk what to do about mike, i mean i like him but i feel like just as a friend. i do really like joey, and i dont know what to do about him either, we hang out all the time and hook up and do date sort of things all the time and were gonna go camping with a bunch of ppl this weekend and drink and smoke and such. and i wont feel guilty about the alcohol calories if i diet well this week and go to the gym and such. ive finally figured out dieting though, its not so hard anymore. or maybe its just that i can TASTE the calories and fat on my tongue when i eat fatty foods and usually the enjoyment is kinda sucked out of eating it. ill eat when im hungry and stop when im satisfied. and my treats will be like 3 squares of a hershey's bar and ill be completely fine. its FANTASTIC. its all under control. no binging (except when im REALLY high occassionally, but even then i dont freak out) and no purging either. i barely calorie count anymore either (which is my main weakness). now i just have a rough mental count of how many i ate that day and will/wont have a snack or breads or whatever depending on if i had a big dinner or lunch or nothing much at all. its so EASY once i got the hang of it. and im not actively trying to lose much weight. like this week ill try and lose a pound, and my goal is 105 by the start of school, but thats months away. and i get compliments on my body all the time, so i figure i shouldnt stress if the weight is coming of slowwwwwwwly but surely. well anyways, i gotta change now, and i gotta say bye to joey online so ill end this since i rerally dont have much else to say.
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we're gonna have a good day	[Jun. 4th, 2010\|02:37 pm]
so basically, i listen to the same song almost every morning, and it really does help me. as someone who has always struggled to be 'happy', i have to make a concious effort to be. literally, i wake up and listen to the song 'good day' by nappy roots and it puts me in the mood to start the rest of the day positively. not even joking, it makes everything i have to do manageable and then i appreciate the fun things. i reccommend everyone find a song that does this. it makes it easy to smile and enjoy the sunshine, even if i have to do yardwork that i really dont want to do. or maybe go to the gym when i dont want to. i literally make my goal of each day to be as happy as i can, and thats it. i mean, obviously i have weight loss goals as well, but thats my main one. weight loss does make me happy as well, so going to my lowest weght EVER of 109.5 (since soph year, which was like 4 years ago when i didnt even have boobs/hips) so im looking good. im almost to my ULTIMATE goal, which is also exciting. its 105, and i can almost taste it. maybe ill get there, maybe i wont. i took it easy for the last few days and i took 50 minute walks instead of the gym and 2 nights ago i allowed myself both half a brownie AND a chocolate frosty from wendys. doi regret this? no. did i gain weight? of course not, with these treats it balanced out the calories of my day to equalibrium so i wouldnt gain or lose weight. and after this month, i deserve it. i went from 114.5 to 112.5 to 118 (this is prob just cuz i binged 2 nights in a row and had lots of food in my stomach as well as a couple lbs i gained) and now i moved BELOW my plateau of 112, which i could never go under before, even last year when i was restricting. the only other time i hit taht is when i was sick for a week and couldnt eat. but once i started eating again i went bk up to 113. and here i am, i made it to 109.5 with minimal struggle somehow. im not complaining, and yesterday i started to eat as if i were dieting again. because im restarting after my 3 day hiatus from the gym and from eating some delicious foods. and now i dont feel deprived AT ALL from sweets such as chocolates and such. i used to HAVE to eat chocolate every few hours. but for the 13 days i did really well and i had like 10 chocolate chips a day, if at all. im so surprised, im a CHOCOHOLIC in the worst way possible. its the reason i was chubby my whole life and the reason it takes me forever to lose weight. so congratulations to me, i conquered my biggest weakness. and yes, everyone has noticed my weight loss. everyone says i look fucking fantastic. so snaps for karen, i love getting compliments. and you know what else it helps me with? confidence. i used to be never sure of myself, but now i am. im trying to revert back to myself when i was back in kindergarten to second grade (this sounds odd) but i figure this is when everyone doesnt know enough to be self concious, and you say whats on your mind, and you're open minded and your true self before you know any better. i was little miss popular back in the day and was the creative one, the one that came up with fun things, the dare devil, i was up for anything and was friends with everyone. i believe that i have been making progress, and i think im more like my true self than i have been in so many countless years. i love it, i can act weird if i choose to, but i still have friends. ppl like me, and im friends with all guys. this is how i know im making progress, i got along with pretty much all guys back in the day, and now thats who i get along with yet again. that combined with me being happy, i figure that ppl like me and want to be friends with me opposed to just viewing me as someone thats at a party or 'a friend of a friend' which is what i always used to do. i never put myself out there, and im learning to again. i believe that i should just continue to self improve myself and my personality. and i also have been re-enforcing the expression 'dont be a second rate version of someone else, be a first rate version of yourself'. and its working. ive never felt so popular (although meg and melissa kind of secretly think im a bitch). they think i just use them to go to parties, but the truth is, i just dont like them much so i kind of did. i really did try to like them and hang out with them, we just dont have much in common. and i was gonna keep trying, but meg talked shit behind my back and thats all it took. i dont really want to be friends with people like that. to be honest, yes id still hang out with them, even if she talks shit. because those girls talk shit about most people, and im okay with that. i just dont talk much shit myself, because it causes drama. also, i dont think im in the wrong here because everyone thinks meg is a bitch and melissa is a drunk. keith, whos the nicest guy ever thinks melissa is annoying and doesnt like her at all. it will just be weird when priscilla gets home and we all are gonna hang out in a group again. i bet i wont hang out with her as much this summer, sadly. i wish jess was home for the summer. i need some sort of girl friend. although liz from camp is moving to nj at the end of june and we can hang out occasionally, she still will live 45 min away. but i do really like her. but heres my biggest issue right now. wtf do i do about nick? i havent really been talking to him as much, but i dont still want to lead him on the whole summer. and when he visits me, i dont even really want to hook up with him, even though we used to hook up daily for like a month. basically, i dug myself into a hole that i have to get myself out of. i just dont want to lose nick as a friend, kind of like i lost mike hersh. its just too bad, because nick and i were close, he knows so much about me, and loves pretty much everything about me. i dont want to hurt him but i dont think i have a choice. well, im done typing this out and tanning outside, so i guess ill end this abruptly.
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